Author Archives: brokeassgrouch

About brokeassgrouch

I'm goddamned broke and grouchy. I live in the middle of the damned ghetto and raise chickens for eggs; grow all my own vegetables and fruit; bake the bread and make the cleaning products. Why? Because I fucking have to, that's why! That's what you do when you're fucking poor! You have to make the shit yourself, dumb-ass! Broke-Ass Grouch is sick of all you Bennington and RISD trustafarians yapping about your "urban farming co-ops" and your "carbon conscious lifestyle" and your "green choices" in the Times Styles section and every alternapress periodical that you can pick up for free in every eye-wateringly expensive, edgy bakery or green-market. Maybe when you have a trust fund, you can make "choices" or have a "lifestyle" or "decide" how to "spend" your "money." Excuse me, but Mama is just trying to feed her kids over here, you little shits. And stop spraying your art-school graffiti on the fence of the vacant lot across the street from my house. I know who you are, and I'm telling my friend Keith (who lives in the projects) that it was you who painted that cartoon of the African mask. So what can I tell you? I don't fucking know. I know a lot about being broke, sure as Bob's your fucking uncle. I know about how useless an Ivy League degree is when you're flat-ass broke. I know how to unclog a drain with baking soda and vinegar, and I know how to make my own CHEESE, for fuck's sake. You tell me.

What the Fuck is “Labor”?: Broke-Ass Grouch Has a Little Thinksie

First. Babydolls–if there are any of you dear ones left–B.A.G. tearfully begs for your forgiveness. Things here at La Petite Maison did not quite turn out as expected ‘lo this past year, and while Broke-Ass and the schmushkies are still … Continue reading

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Why BAG Has Stayed Quiet During the Election Season–and Thank You, Tia

Yesterday, following her short screed on Sandy, Broke-Ass received a for real, important Facebook message. Here it is: BAG – As someone who loves your articles, I’m glad you moved from the Rancho before Sandy hit, glad you posted and … Continue reading

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Deliberate Cruelty: Why Broke-Ass Will Never Forgive Sandy and Her Supporters

Broke-Ass has always loved Blanche DuBois: her tender, aging, ravaged beauty; her insistence that flattering shades be applied to overhead lightbulbs; her pathetic march on, in spite of everything. But the thing Broke-Ass truly loves Blanche for is this unimpeachable … Continue reading

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Philly #3: In Which Broke-Ass Loves Anne-Marie Slaughter, Offers Alternative Microdermabrasion Counsel, and Bellows “Happy Muthafucking Birthday, Uncle Chrissay!”

Babydolls, those of us who have worked our asses off without the benefits of trust funds and rich life companions–and Rhodes Scholarships–have long understood what Anne-Marie Slaughter has unpacked in her imperative read in this month’s Atlantic: “Why Women Still … Continue reading

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Broke-Ass: The Playlist

We break the narrative momentarily to answer a question that a great many of you lovelies have posed to Broke-Ass over the years: “What’s on your iPod?” The first answer is: Broke-Ass does not own an iPod because she is … Continue reading

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Broke-Ass and Big Daddy: No One Here Gets Out Alive

A gorgeous number of you lovelies have written–both in these pages, as well as via private email–expressing concern about the state of Broke-Ass’s and Big Daddy’s union. To be frank, Broke-Ass laughed giddily that: a) you beautiful-hearted creatures were worried … Continue reading

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Philly Report #2: What Happened Next and Mark Zuckerberg

Told you, babydolls. Broke-Ass promised to return forthwith and–oh, look at the time! It’s forthwith. Back to Broke-Ass and her reentry to Philly. So, on a drizzly, fuscous morning in late February, the morning after she had first opened the gates … Continue reading

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