Dear “Jewish and Astounded”: Beans to You!

We evidently have a wise-ass on our hands. A real freaking shtunk. Jewish and Astounded writes:

I have to say I’m a bit shocked. I didn’t know white people could really be that poor. I’m so sorry. Have you considered attaching a PayPal button to the bottom of the site?
I also thought you should know about 7th Generation and Meyer’s. they are making very green cleaning products for only like $7 for 24oz. You really shouldn’t be handling all that vinegar. Anyway, I’m late for my organic butchering class. We’re learning about artisanal knives tonight. stay alive, broke-ass.

Funny guy, eh? Okay, Jewish and Astounded. Yes, I’ve thought about attaching a PayPal button: to my fucking forehead. But the more efficient move is just to forward me your tax-deductible check to the Committee Against Sexual Harassment (just make it out to C.A.S.H.).

(Thank you, thank you, you’re a great audience–I’m at the Giggle Hut in Paramus every other Tuesday.)

Now, for those of you who do not know, Broke-Ass is not Jewish. One clear sign of this is that she lives in the ghetto, raises chickens for eggs, and is married to an antiques restorer without a trust fund.  But Broke-Ass is a lifelong Judeophile, and when she does ultimately become  officially Jewish, not just a Yiddishe Mama–a status that was nearly revoked after the chickens arrived (indeed, I believe that it was you, Jewish and Astounded, who nearly pulled that plug)–she will immediately earn the distinction of being poorest Reform Jewish convert in Brooklyn. Perhaps anywhere. Broke-Ass could fucking pinch herself. She loves distinctions.

But let me tell you something, Jewish and Astounded: You would kill yourself if you knew what Broke-Ass could do with brisket. Shit, you’d kill yourself if you knew what Broke-Ass could do with a pile of beans. For example:

First thing in the morning, soak cannellini beans in a big pot full of water. At about 5pm, put them on the stove, bring to a boil, then a simmer: Toss in a bunch of garlic cloves, and pour in some olive oil, dried oregano, salt, pepper. When the beans taste done, drain, and then dump them into a bowl with chunks of parmesan, walnuts, and a monster handful of fresh parsley, sage, basil–whatever you’ve got in your white trash Victory Garden. Toss with olive oil and lemon juice. You just fed a family of five a complete meal for three dollars. Done and done.

You want more? Tell you what: You bring over your artesenal knives, and I’ll teach you everything I know about shechita.


About brokeassgrouch

I'm goddamned broke and grouchy. I live in the middle of the damned ghetto and raise chickens for eggs; grow all my own vegetables and fruit; bake the bread and make the cleaning products. Why? Because I fucking have to, that's why! That's what you do when you're fucking poor! You have to make the shit yourself, dumb-ass! Broke-Ass Grouch is sick of all you Bennington and RISD trustafarians yapping about your "urban farming co-ops" and your "carbon conscious lifestyle" and your "green choices" in the Times Styles section and every alternapress periodical that you can pick up for free in every eye-wateringly expensive, edgy bakery or green-market. Maybe when you have a trust fund, you can make "choices" or have a "lifestyle" or "decide" how to "spend" your "money." Excuse me, but Mama is just trying to feed her kids over here, you little shits. And stop spraying your art-school graffiti on the fence of the vacant lot across the street from my house. I know who you are, and I'm telling my friend Keith (who lives in the projects) that it was you who painted that cartoon of the African mask. So what can I tell you? I don't fucking know. I know a lot about being broke, sure as Bob's your fucking uncle. I know about how useless an Ivy League degree is when you're flat-ass broke. I know how to unclog a drain with baking soda and vinegar, and I know how to make my own CHEESE, for fuck's sake. You tell me.
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2 Responses to Dear “Jewish and Astounded”: Beans to You!

  1. Jewish and astounded says:

    thanks for the recipe. sounds earthy and shtetl-like. I’ll pass it on to Maria, our live-in housekeeper. could be a fun evening. Yes, she’s on the books.
    Hey, Grouchy, what do you think about Palladino? At times you seem as angry as him. should we vote for him this fall?

  2. Dear Brokeass–

    I would still love to see a post on people who wear status designer initials openly on their clothing, shoes and handbags (because personally, I think they suck). What say ye?xx
    Sheepishly Yours,

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