Broke-Ass Answers “Long-Time Listener”: How to Keep Young, Rich People from Asking You to Fund Their “Art Films”

Well, first of all, Broke-Ass Grouch is positively delighted with all the questions that have been pouring in. Really, this deluge warms the embittered cockles of her heart. You guys are the fucking best.

So, in the spirit of answering calls in the order in which they were received:

Hi, Broke-Ass Grouch. First time caller, long time listener. Anywho, could the Broke-Ass Grouch please advise me as to how I can prevent trust fund adults/kids from asking ME to donate towards their monumentally shitty short films and/or “documentaries? I’ll take my answer off the air. THANK YOU!

Long Time, can I just tell you how fucking glad you asked this? If I had a dime for every time some “filmmaker” hit me up for an “investment”—after spray-painting graffiti in the vacant lot across the street from my house—launching this damn site would never have occurred to me. I’d be at Bergdorf’s buying Prada heels. (If anyone wants some six-year-old, killer Prada heels—“gently used”—get in touch: brokeassgrouch@gmail.com.)

Back to your excellent question. I’ve used the following responses with good results.

“I’d LOVE to, but…

a) ever since Con-Ed shut off my electricity six weeks ago, I can’t seem to FIND my WALLET.

b) the CHICKENS that I raise for EGGS have pecked my hands into BLOODY STUMPS, so I’m having a little trouble writing CHECKS lately.

c) the profits from the METH LAB that I run out of my BATH TUB have been a little down lately.

d) I’m still waiting for the check to clear from selling my PANCREAS on the BLACK MARKET.

See how it goes for you, Long Time, and let Broke-Ass know how it all works out. Can’t hardly wait, baby. Can’t. Hardly. Wait.

In the meantime, keep those cards and letters coming: brokeassgrouch@gmail.com

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About brokeassgrouch

I'm goddamned broke and grouchy. I live in the middle of the damned ghetto and raise chickens for eggs; grow all my own vegetables and fruit; bake the bread and make the cleaning products. Why? Because I fucking have to, that's why! That's what you do when you're fucking poor! You have to make the shit yourself, dumb-ass! Broke-Ass Grouch is sick of all you Bennington and RISD trustafarians yapping about your "urban farming co-ops" and your "carbon conscious lifestyle" and your "green choices" in the Times Styles section and every alternapress periodical that you can pick up for free in every eye-wateringly expensive, edgy bakery or green-market. Maybe when you have a trust fund, you can make "choices" or have a "lifestyle" or "decide" how to "spend" your "money." Excuse me, but Mama is just trying to feed her kids over here, you little shits. And stop spraying your art-school graffiti on the fence of the vacant lot across the street from my house. I know who you are, and I'm telling my friend Keith (who lives in the projects) that it was you who painted that cartoon of the African mask. So what can I tell you? I don't fucking know. I know a lot about being broke, sure as Bob's your fucking uncle. I know about how useless an Ivy League degree is when you're flat-ass broke. I know how to unclog a drain with baking soda and vinegar, and I know how to make my own CHEESE, for fuck's sake. You tell me.
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5 Responses to Broke-Ass Answers “Long-Time Listener”: How to Keep Young, Rich People from Asking You to Fund Their “Art Films”

  1. M says:

    Broke-Ass grouch: I love you, baby

  2. j•dubs says:

    Now that is both hilarious and useful.
    How much did you get for your PANCREAS and may I please get the “facilitators”name?

  3. hi again,
    i need to cut down on my food budget. can you give me some advice?
    is there a way i can save money and still eat healthy?
    and please don’t mock my desire to eat organic.
    signed,
    still scared of you

  4. disillusioned_in_sc says:

    brokeassgrouch, I suggest you start dusting off your Dead Kennedys albums and give them a listen it will provide a good foil for your trustafarian grouchiness, “Bedtime For Democracy” deserves special merit.

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