Well, first of all, Broke-Ass Grouch is positively delighted with all the questions that have been pouring in. Really, this deluge warms the embittered cockles of her heart. You guys are the fucking best.
So, in the spirit of answering calls in the order in which they were received:
Hi, Broke-Ass Grouch. First time caller, long time listener. Anywho, could the Broke-Ass Grouch please advise me as to how I can prevent trust fund adults/kids from asking ME to donate towards their monumentally shitty short films and/or “documentaries? I’ll take my answer off the air. THANK YOU!
Long Time, can I just tell you how fucking glad you asked this? If I had a dime for every time some “filmmaker” hit me up for an “investment”—after spray-painting graffiti in the vacant lot across the street from my house—launching this damn site would never have occurred to me. I’d be at Bergdorf’s buying Prada heels. (If anyone wants some six-year-old, killer Prada heels—“gently used”—get in touch: firstname.lastname@example.org.)
Back to your excellent question. I’ve used the following responses with good results.
“I’d LOVE to, but…
a) ever since Con-Ed shut off my electricity six weeks ago, I can’t seem to FIND my WALLET.
b) the CHICKENS that I raise for EGGS have pecked my hands into BLOODY STUMPS, so I’m having a little trouble writing CHECKS lately.
c) the profits from the METH LAB that I run out of my BATH TUB have been a little down lately.
d) I’m still waiting for the check to clear from selling my PANCREAS on the BLACK MARKET.
See how it goes for you, Long Time, and let Broke-Ass know how it all works out. Can’t hardly wait, baby. Can’t. Hardly. Wait.
In the meantime, keep those cards and letters coming: email@example.com