First: Broke-Ass is Grouchy, Not Curled Up in a Ball and Rocking Back and Forth. Second: You Want to Know How to Get Stuff Clean for Really Fucking Cheap? I’ll Tell You.

First, Broke-Ass Grouch would like to thank everyone for checking in after yesterday’s debut. There were those who wrote in to report that they had just urinated at their workstations. There were those who wrote to say that they were coming over immediately¬† with a supply of Clonazepam, which they would force down her throat directly after she changed the scary picture (see above). Broke-Ass Grouch’s agent immediately offered the use of her country house (that’s me calling, on line 2). Lastly, there were those who wrote in with actual questions. Which is the point here. Friends. Avail yourself of Broke-Ass Grouch’s life experience. You, too, may end up some day living in a shotgun shack–and you’ll thank me.

So, scared of you wrote: “can you post some of your bread recipes? how do you make your natural cleaners? do you hate all designers or just the ones who went to RISD?”

Broke-Ass Grouch is too damn tired today to post bread recipes. Maybe on Friday. As for the second question, there are only two things to say: baking soda; white vinegar.

Baking soda is everything Broke-Ass loves in a product: It’s hella cheap, it does a ton of different jobs, and it doesn’t kill people. Baking soda cleans everything that needs a decent scouring, and Broke-Ass means everything: toilet bowls, bathtubs, clothes, teeth, you name it. Broke-Ass has used it as toothpaste for years now, and her kids don’t have a single cavity, which is awesome because fillings are expensive and upsetting. Plus (duh), you can make every baked good in the book with it, and it won’t poison your children or your neighborhood water supply–because Comet and crap like that definitely do, and there is no good reason that Broke-Ass Grouch can think of to pay extra to poison everyone. And you can buy a whole shitload of it with the change in your pocket. Broke-Ass Grouch picked up a 13.5 pound bag of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda at Costco for six bucks and change more than a year ago, and she still has half of it left, in spite of dipping into it every day. Awe. Some.

White vinegar cleans everything else: windows, mirrors, counter tops, laptop screens. Broke-Ass fills a plastic spray bottle with half white vinegar and half water and, if she’s feeling festive, she adds a little orange essential oil to the mixture so that her house won’t smell like a diner salad. It works perfectly and, again, it isn’t a lethal poison, and it’s cheap: under four bucks for two gallons at Costco. Can’t beat it with a freaking stick.

Third question: Broke-Ass does not hate designers. Unless they have trust funds. Thanks for writing scared of you! Keep those cards and letters coming, either below or at brokeassgrouch@gmail.com.

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About brokeassgrouch

I'm goddamned broke and grouchy. I live in the middle of the damned ghetto and raise chickens for eggs; grow all my own vegetables and fruit; bake the bread and make the cleaning products. Why? Because I fucking have to, that's why! That's what you do when you're fucking poor! You have to make the shit yourself, dumb-ass! Broke-Ass Grouch is sick of all you Bennington and RISD trustafarians yapping about your "urban farming co-ops" and your "carbon conscious lifestyle" and your "green choices" in the Times Styles section and every alternapress periodical that you can pick up for free in every eye-wateringly expensive, edgy bakery or green-market. Maybe when you have a trust fund, you can make "choices" or have a "lifestyle" or "decide" how to "spend" your "money." Excuse me, but Mama is just trying to feed her kids over here, you little shits. And stop spraying your art-school graffiti on the fence of the vacant lot across the street from my house. I know who you are, and I'm telling my friend Keith (who lives in the projects) that it was you who painted that cartoon of the African mask. So what can I tell you? I don't fucking know. I know a lot about being broke, sure as Bob's your fucking uncle. I know about how useless an Ivy League degree is when you're flat-ass broke. I know how to unclog a drain with baking soda and vinegar, and I know how to make my own CHEESE, for fuck's sake. You tell me.
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